I went to a graduate student happy hour last night. Man, as I suppose is the case with any department, the politics here are intense. I say to myself “you don’t need to get caught up in all of that. Just do as you’re supposed to do and no one will have a problem with you and you will not have any problems with anyone else…”
…right.
…that my longtime friend, viqx, could not possibly surpass his last act of cleverocity, he synthesizes a blog comment that – at my discovery of it in a quiet internet cafe – made my stomach cramp from laughter. Context is everything here, so be sure to read “If Only I Could Tell Good Poetry From Bad…” Then read the section of my last post “On Corporate ‘Systems'” entitled “Culprit No. 1 Qwest Communications, Inc.” If you then scroll down to viqx’s comment you’ll see what I mean.
Warning: What follows is an X-TREME RANT
Over the past week or so I’ve been readying myself for school by attempting to complete the obigitory errands: unpacking all of my apartment belongings, setting up internet connectivity for my computer, getting a Washington state drivers license, searching for the best deals on textbooks, keeping in communication with my department… the list goes on.
I’d be making headway in all of these tasks if two particular corporate agencies would ACTUALY PROVIDE ME THE FUCKING SERVICES I’M [OVER]PAYING THEM TO PROVIDE ME!!!
Culprit no. 1. Qwest Communications Inc.
I called these monopolizing extortiofucks on Wednesday of last week activate my apartment phone line. “Um yeah well, it takes four businesness days, or so, for OUR SYSTEM to actually turn your line back on. You can expect to have your phone working on Monday afternoon. Your first bill will come to $55.43, the cost of one month of basic service, plus state and federal taxes, plus our $25.00 setup charge.”
I respond “OK, that’ll be fine.” I think “25.00 for YOUR SYSTEM to flip on a cotton pickin’ antiquated telephone line switch. THAT’S ASS. I wish that I didn’t have to earn my money like you dillholes.”
Monday evening rolls around, still no dialtone. I REALLY need to access the net to reconcile my dwindling finances (which is all the more complicated; see Culprit no. 2) so I know how much I have to spend on my abovementioned obligatory errands, and to urgently check my email account for info on a department retreat that is to take place this week — even today for all I knew then. I call customer service once more: “Yeah, I set up an account last week for basic service for my apartment line. They told me that it should have been turned on by now.” They transfer me to maintenence: “Your orders in THE SYSTEM but it says here that it’s not been completed.” “Well, do you know when YOUR SYSTEM will turn it on.” “No, it should be soon, though. You can call back; our department’s open 24 hours.”
Tuesday morning — No dialtone. Noon on Tuesday — No dialtone.
Spirit of Service™ my ass. Go Ride the Light® or what ever gets you off on somebody else’s dime you listless dicklicks. I hope all your disgruntled employees strike your ass. Can I charge YOUR SYSTEM a late fee just like you fuckholes were so apt to charge me for the ONE late payment I made years ago. Of course not, that’s unamerican.
Culprit no. 2 Washington Mutual Bank, Inc.
Well I was certainly not going to rely on Qwest to actually do as they promised, so I found a campus computer lab and went about my business. I navigate to the Washington Mutual Bank online bank page, to see how much damage my interstate move has dealt to my checking account. I enter in my login info, and I get a page informing me that I cannot access my personal checking account due to either inactivity or too many bad login attempts. Well, that’s good I guess, I’m not sure which of these misdemenors I actually committed but it’s good for security, even if it is a bit inconvenient. So I call the number on the page to unfreeze my account. After divulging every identifier (twice, to both machine and human) that will probably serve to idenitify me for eons to come, I finally connect to a real live “customer service representitive”. I, not-so-eloquently explained to this person that I had been blocked from accessing my online account. “Do you use online bill pay? Cuz’ if you do, you can gain access through there.” I respond “No. I don’t do online bill pay. Would you please issue me a temporary password so I can access my profile… (obviously, I’m a veteran).” She hesitates “Well sir, the thing is, is our OUR SYSTEM is being updated right now and we’re not sure how long it will take to get up an running again, so I cannot issue any temporary passwords at the moment.” Making a conscious effort to calm myself, I respond “Oh, will it be up tomorrow.” “Uh… not sure, but I suggest you call back then.”
This morning, I call back. The same necessary interogation ensues and I finally reach a service rep. To her credit, this one was actually both friendly and helpful. “…OUR SYSTEM is still down sir, but here’s what I’ll do: I’ll delete your online banking profile completely so that you can access your account information through a new login. OUR SYSTEM update shouldn’t have any problem with that. I’m sorry but you’ll have to set it up from scratch.” Happily, I respond “that’s OK. At least I can finally get access.”
I reach the computer lab. Begin entering in all the identifiers that I’ve provided to them, now for the fifteen hundredth time. Oh I’m getting close, just finished step 7 of 8. Now all that is left is to hit accept… [holding my breath]…
“ERROR, try again later”
MOTHERFUCKER!!!
1) The Blue Scholars
Friends of mine discovered this Seattle based DJ/MC duo at the Sasquatch Festival this past summer. My friends were so impressed by both their music and verse that they urged me to check out a show of theirs at the Doug Fir in Portland. The Blue Scholars’ act that evening surpassed the already high expectations that I form of any musical act that comes recommended by that strain of friends (i.e. Engel and company).
The Blue Scholars’ background beats and samples perfectly compliment their prose. I’m not a hip-hop enthusiast by any stretch… and it is probably their unapologetically intellectual style that I find so appealing and refreshing. So be it. Many of their jams address class disparities in our culture; an issue with which I have become increasingly obsessed in my adulthood [for good reason]. Also, their complete disdain for our great leader, commander in chief G.W. Bush, resonates strongly with me. There should be more protest music about the present state of our nation, both internally and abroad. I’m not sure why there isn’t, especially when I know that there are a great deal of people out there who feel as I do. These two guys have the sack to express the outrage that we, the fiscally and politically privated young, truly feel, but are too afraid, too apathetic, or too preoccupied to express for ourselves.
2) Mikeala’s Fiend
I hadn’t moshed in 10 years. I hadn’t had the urge. I, and a bunch of other aging rockers, could not restrain ourselves upon hearing the sonic chaos of this Seattle bred Drum-Guitar/Effects duo on one smoldering evening in July, in the basement of the rowdiest house party (that quickly grew into a block party) that think I’ve ever attended. Truth be told, the unharnessed energy of the 17 year-old hipster-kid drummer catalyzed the basement mayhem. The quality of his beats I cannot suitably capture with words, but I will say that they were as original as they were hypnotic… and that is to say, a great deal. As a drummer myself, I strongly suspect that this kid had had very little, if any, formal training, which is all the better for him/them. Their almost complete absence of conventional — and exhaustive incorporation of original — drumming techniques driving their music greatly contributed to their unique sound. Of course, I’m a drummer, so the rhythm is where I focus my attention in the appraisal of any band. Mikaela’s Fiend made me FEEL MUSIC the way one does when hearing a new genre for the first time.
3) Pleaseeasaur
This Seattle “band” Jane and I discovered opening for Pinback at the Aladdin a little while back. It’s simply one guy, spouting off the most lyrically random songs I’ve ever heard above a pre-recorded accompaniment, while wearing the most outlandish makeshift costumes I’ve ever seen. Mysterious out-of-view overhead projector operators put up transparencies illustrating events in the songs behind crowd facing backdrops. By random I mean: one song describes, in meticulous detail, the brown hue of his ’85 Chevette, another song, all 20 seconds of it, illustrates the difficulties of dog shit, and my personal favorite plays off of a popular gringo phrase: “If you got a problem and you need a limo… call no prob limo”. True musical genius! Even if you don’t have much patience for joke music acts, Pleaseeasaur will at least cultivate a few chuckles from you.
4) KEXP
An independent, “member-supported” radio station, in Seattle that somewhat reminds me of a smaller radio station, KDVS, that I listened to as an undergrad in Davis CA, but without the dead air, track misnomers and random transmitter blowouts. The DJ’s on KEXP actually know what they are doing and seem to be quite professional. During the course of just one afternoon’s listening, Jane and I discovered two local bands that we were compelled to further investigate.
…then I would at least have a chance at songwriting. Alas, my brain is just not wired to comprehend the aesthetics of word placement, usage, rhythm and everything else poetic that my rationally oriented nature prevents me from appreciating. 🙁
Sorry for the five day lag in my posts. I’ve been moving and had not been able to find free access, despite repeated attempts, to an internet connection until now.
As I type this I’m sitting in the Allen Library smack dab in the middle of the UW campus. Seattle, with the exception of the price tag on virtually everything, so far, for me, has turned out to be great. Never have I rented from more attentive and kind landlords in recent memory. They left me cleaning supplies, toilet paper, spackle, phonebooks, a phone cord, soap and even a bus schedule inside my place to help me with my move. How kind is that!?! They live above me and have a big black labrador named “Smudge”. Jane and Smudge have already fallen for each other.
Portland bound will be Jane and I this evening. …back to battle our former rent managers (aka slumlord motherfuckers) into giving back our security deposit, to set up Jane’s present digs and to battle her present landlord for a straight answer on her washer and dryer hook up prospects and internet connectivity.
Mark my words though: everything is hunky dory now, but when Jane finally leaves Seattle not to return in a month’s time, and the cruel demands of my grad program materialize, Seattle will lose it’s lustre.
P-TOWN 4-ever Bee-yatch!
… but if present day were 1985 rather than 2005 this, fine specimen would be the foxxiest rig that your green could provide.
It’s the Yamaha DX-21 FM Synthesizer. That’s right kiddies you guessed right, “FM” stands for Frequency Modulating tone synthesis… not like those MOOG inventions that sum together the output of multiple oscillators set to constant frequencies to enable voice synthesis intuitive enough for a performing musician to program on the fly… no siree, boy. Those are for sissies. The DX-21 is a “programmer’s synth“. Those who dare to navigate it’s sleek, multi-function, 32 – button, user interface and single color, non-backlit, display with not quite the resolution of Nintendo’s first version of Gameboy need to have a robust understanding of advanced Fourier analysis and signal processing to get it to output the most basic peep… and that’s after the mandatory three hours of tedious calculation of Bessel’s coefficients for each modulator:oscillator frequency ratio side-band of the desired voice. “What is that you say…?” “You don’t know what a Bessel coefficient is and you call yourself a synth programmer!?!” Stay away from the DX-21; it’ll kick your ass!
As the nonplussed clerk at Trade Up music half-assed explained, the above was a favorite of many in late 80’s to early 90’s the Detroit techno scene. Let me extend a shout out to my man Juan Atkins. Your music may be long forgotten but it’s influence remains strong.
Plus, the price tag proclaimed that the DX-21 is “Totally West Coast & Dr. Dre approved!!!”. I’m glad to know I’m in such good company! Maybe I’ll email the Dr. for some DX-21 programming tips. WEST SIDE you know it’s the BEST SIDE!
After reading this weeks Portland Mercury’s cost comparison between “traditional” multi-person rock band expenses and those of your solo laptop geek. I think my present music projects will more closely resemble the latter strategy. Well, that, and the fact that I’ve no place to bang on my drums in Seattle; superSUX it does.
Note to self::: If you become too busy to upkeep and post on your blog (i.e. like over the past month), your readers will quickly lose interest and become too busy themselves, to remember to check it.
Note to readers::: To all of you who have checked this site over the past month and have become frustrated with the lack of activity: MY APOLOGIES. I’m alive and well. The number of stressors in my life has been substantially reduced since my job ended and my activities have tapered off. Accordingly, I simply seem to have much less to whine/rant about. Hopefully, this trend will continue and I can finally include in this blog some happy entries for a change.
Peace and goodwill toward men. Ah SNAP! Golden Girls is on. Later.