Month: May 2006

Leon says: “Now R***, let me tell you why I threw out all my metric tools…”

an’ [while breaking lugs put on a spare tire on my Honda Civic], I thinks: “Dumbass.”

an’ I says: “[sigh], oh really Leon, what made you up and do such a thing?”

an’ Leon says: “It’s the principle of the thing… ya’ see.”

an’ I says: “Uh, I didn’t know one has to have principles to own tools.”

an’ Leon says: “Shit yeah!”

an’ Leon says: “Ya see, our great country didn’t get to where it is by followin…”

an’ I thinks: “Naw we became “great” by pillaging: both resources and people.”

an’ I says [skeptically]: “Really!?!”

an’ Leon says: “…Our nation became great by leadin’; let all them other countries convert to metric, we ain’t gonna, ‘cuz we’re number 1 and we don’t got to do a damn thing they say, see… “

an’ I answer: “I’ve used both metric and standard…”

an’ Leon corrects: “…American…”

an’ I says: “…Whatever. Truth be told, metric’s easier and make’s a shitload more sense.”

an’ Leon says: “My dick’s 4 inches, not 580 millimeters or centimeters or whatever!!!”

an’ I thinks: “Thanks for sharing. Would you leave me alone now.”

an’ I says [itching my scalp with my grimy hand]: “Oh, you make a good point.”

an’ I thinks: “With that amazing power of argument it’s no wonder you’ve gotten as far as you have.”

an’ Leon says: “Well I’ll get off my soapbox now. You wanna come inside and get a piece of cake?”

Last night I auditioned for a band. It went well. They asked me to join because:

1. they said “[I] rock”
2. unlike their last drummer:

• I didn’t address them as “faggets”
• I don’t expect to have sex with each of the “chicks” in the band
• I don’t expect them to pay me for my drumming prowess.

It’s not a perfect fit though. There sound is good, but not quite experimental enough for the likes of me, and, I will be the old man by 4 years. I think that I can be made to look their age if I cool up my wardrobe a tiny.

… to all the folks in Tully’s coffee shop, 2104 45th St NE, Seattle WA, 7:15 pm, 5/4/2006:

“Shut the fuck up. I mean SHUT UP. If I hear one more stupid ass opinion from any of y’all, I’m gonna fart, hard, long and smellily.”

… made my 4 hour train ride, from Portland to Seattle on Sunday evening, completely miserable. The 35 year old, 250 pound, child proceeded to yell at oncoming trains as they passed, fall on other passengers as he walked down the aisle, and vomit on his (up ’till then) friends. I did feel joy when his ~18-year old, 120 lb, female supervisor, who had to come in from the adjacent car and met him right in front of my seat, told him to start acting his age and fired his ass without a second thought.

I smiled. I hope he saw me.

His termination, however, gave him the incentive to drink even more and become even more belligerent. Mysteriously, after we passed the stop in Tacoma, he never returned to his seat. I suspect he became well acquainted with Tacoma’s drunk tank. What a pity.