Month: May 2008

Here’s to a man who has devoted his entire career advancing knowledge about how the brain controls movement in primates–knowledge that (virtually) translates directly to humans. Without a doubt, his findings have directed many hundreds of scientists, many thousands of doctors that have helped millions of patients suffering from extremely debilitating neurological disorders mediating muscle activation and (hence) movement. I have met and evaluated patients suffering from movement disorders (i.e. Parkinson’s disease, Myasthenia Gravis, Essential Tremor, etc.) and neuromuscular disorders (i.e. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, Multiple Sclerosis, etc.) and I can tell you, these disorders are among the worst ailments a person can experience.

Despite my boss’s prolific career in this most noble of noble pursuits, below is the thanks his institution has received from animal rights extremists, the mainstream media and (eventually) the general public:

Many thanks KOMO 4 for that objective report. I hope all of you sleep well with your career advancing sensationalism.

Rabid-dog Crazy:
Subject 1: (10:15pm, NE 47th & University Way, 4/30/2008). White male, mid-30’s buzzed hair-cut, seen wearing a black jacket, shorts and tennis shoes. Subject observed skipping down University Way (all 6’5″ of him), babbling happily, but incoherently, until a car passed by him on the street. The subject screamed and gyrated violently in response to the car and then darted out into the street – at full sprint – pursuing the car traveling ~25 mph. The subject continued to follow car until he reached NE 50th and University Way at which point the subject broke his pursuit and continued skipping westbound down NE 50th street.

Subject 2: (10:25pm, NE 42nd & University Way, 4/30/2008). White male, early-20’s, seen wearing a black baseball cap and baggy pants. Subject observed walking southbound down University Way. Adjacent Flower’s restaurant, subject intercepted a pay phone, threw down his fists, and then forcefully butted the pay phone with his head. Moments later, while crossing NE 42nd, his gait became unstable resulting in his subsequent fall. The subject shook his head, righted himself, and continued walking southbound.

Bat-shit Crazy:
Subject 3: (10:20pm NE 42nd and University Way, 4/30/2008). White male, late-20’s, wearing dark-rimmed glasses and a navy-blue hooded sweatshirt. Subject heard conversing loudly with himself. The following statements were recorded by a nearby witness:

1. “you realize it’s the end of the world right..?”
2. “you can’t relate if you’re not psychic…”
3. “you’re trying to laugh it off and all, but I’m psychic…you know it. A man asks me ‘what am I thinking?’ and I say ‘mountains’, man asks ‘now what?’ and I say ‘cats’ and the man asks ‘now what?’ and I say ‘aliens’ and the man says ‘wow you got 2 out of 3!'”
4. “when you pass into your next life, you’ve got a big surprise waiting for you…”
5. “if I’m not an alien, [then] how do I have the abilities I have..?”
6. “if you’re a Christian then you’re a liar, and liars don’t get into heaven…”
7. “the two of you are laughin’ but you won’t be when you’re fuckin’ re-incarnated as goats…”

The witness also recorded the remark of another nearby pedestrian that stated (while shaking his head in disbelief): “damn buddy, you need to lay off the speed or whatever-the-fuck it is!”

Disclaimer:
The above-described subjects are psychiatrically unstable and probably dangerous. Should you encounter any (or all) of them on University Way, pretend like they don’t exist and hope that they don’t notice you–this is the semi-successful tactic employed by students of the University of Washington.