On Corporate “Systems”

Warning: What follows is an X-TREME RANT

Over the past week or so I’ve been readying myself for school by attempting to complete the obigitory errands: unpacking all of my apartment belongings, setting up internet connectivity for my computer, getting a Washington state drivers license, searching for the best deals on textbooks, keeping in communication with my department… the list goes on.

I’d be making headway in all of these tasks if two particular corporate agencies would ACTUALY PROVIDE ME THE FUCKING SERVICES I’M [OVER]PAYING THEM TO PROVIDE ME!!!

Culprit no. 1. Qwest Communications Inc.

I called these monopolizing extortiofucks on Wednesday of last week activate my apartment phone line. “Um yeah well, it takes four businesness days, or so, for OUR SYSTEM to actually turn your line back on. You can expect to have your phone working on Monday afternoon. Your first bill will come to $55.43, the cost of one month of basic service, plus state and federal taxes, plus our $25.00 setup charge.”

I respond “OK, that’ll be fine.” I think “25.00 for YOUR SYSTEM to flip on a cotton pickin’ antiquated telephone line switch. THAT’S ASS. I wish that I didn’t have to earn my money like you dillholes.”

Monday evening rolls around, still no dialtone. I REALLY need to access the net to reconcile my dwindling finances (which is all the more complicated; see Culprit no. 2) so I know how much I have to spend on my abovementioned obligatory errands, and to urgently check my email account for info on a department retreat that is to take place this week — even today for all I knew then. I call customer service once more: “Yeah, I set up an account last week for basic service for my apartment line. They told me that it should have been turned on by now.” They transfer me to maintenence: “Your orders in THE SYSTEM but it says here that it’s not been completed.” “Well, do you know when YOUR SYSTEM will turn it on.” “No, it should be soon, though. You can call back; our department’s open 24 hours.”

Tuesday morning — No dialtone. Noon on Tuesday — No dialtone.

Spirit of Service™ my ass. Go Ride the Light® or what ever gets you off on somebody else’s dime you listless dicklicks. I hope all your disgruntled employees strike your ass. Can I charge YOUR SYSTEM a late fee just like you fuckholes were so apt to charge me for the ONE late payment I made years ago. Of course not, that’s unamerican.

Culprit no. 2 Washington Mutual Bank, Inc.

Well I was certainly not going to rely on Qwest to actually do as they promised, so I found a campus computer lab and went about my business. I navigate to the Washington Mutual Bank online bank page, to see how much damage my interstate move has dealt to my checking account. I enter in my login info, and I get a page informing me that I cannot access my personal checking account due to either inactivity or too many bad login attempts. Well, that’s good I guess, I’m not sure which of these misdemenors I actually committed but it’s good for security, even if it is a bit inconvenient. So I call the number on the page to unfreeze my account. After divulging every identifier (twice, to both machine and human) that will probably serve to idenitify me for eons to come, I finally connect to a real live “customer service representitive”. I, not-so-eloquently explained to this person that I had been blocked from accessing my online account. “Do you use online bill pay? Cuz’ if you do, you can gain access through there.” I respond “No. I don’t do online bill pay. Would you please issue me a temporary password so I can access my profile… (obviously, I’m a veteran).” She hesitates “Well sir, the thing is, is our OUR SYSTEM is being updated right now and we’re not sure how long it will take to get up an running again, so I cannot issue any temporary passwords at the moment.” Making a conscious effort to calm myself, I respond “Oh, will it be up tomorrow.” “Uh… not sure, but I suggest you call back then.”

This morning, I call back. The same necessary interogation ensues and I finally reach a service rep. To her credit, this one was actually both friendly and helpful. “…OUR SYSTEM is still down sir, but here’s what I’ll do: I’ll delete your online banking profile completely so that you can access your account information through a new login. OUR SYSTEM update shouldn’t have any problem with that. I’m sorry but you’ll have to set it up from scratch.” Happily, I respond “that’s OK. At least I can finally get access.”

I reach the computer lab. Begin entering in all the identifiers that I’ve provided to them, now for the fifteen hundredth time. Oh I’m getting close, just finished step 7 of 8. Now all that is left is to hit accept… [holding my breath]…

“ERROR, try again later”

MOTHERFUCKER!!!