I received an email this afternoon welcoming my fellow incoming classmates and I to the grad program that I plan on attending in the fall. As I read down the list I realized that the names were not alphabetized, nor did they seem to be in any discernible order by my analysis. The informality of the email suggests that there is no order to the names… but whether or not that is actually the case, I cannot be content without contriving some plausible, albeit hypothetical, explanation for their order. Then a thought occurred to me that evoked a feeling in my gut that has long been dormant: “What if the people have been listed by order of their aptitude or desirability… etc? And my name is not very high on their list.”
WTF DO I CARE!!! I quickly react; they did accept me after all. But obviously, by virtue of this posting, I do care, and I am shocked by how quickly my anxiety, insecurity and competitiveness can metabolize their way back into my thinking. The, what I like to call, “psychotrauma” that I experienced in the unnecessarily competitive atmosphere of my undergrad physics program, I am now, through my association with school, inflicting back upon myself whether my situation warrants such a response or not. Make no mistake, my reaction to this miniscule event signifies a substantial defeat in my efforts to rid myself of these thoughts and behaviors. My conscious decision to remove myself from studentdom over the past three years was largely motivated to that end. All I can say to myself is: “Welcome back to school!”
