I received an email this afternoon welcoming my fellow incoming classmates and I to the grad program that I plan on attending in the fall. As I read down the list I realized that the names were not alphabetized, nor did they seem to be in any discernible order by my analysis. The informality of the email suggests that there is no order to the names… but whether or not that is actually the case, I cannot be content without contriving some plausible, albeit hypothetical, explanation for their order. Then a thought occurred to me that evoked a feeling in my gut that has long been dormant: “What if the people have been listed by order of their aptitude or desirability… etc? And my name is not very high on their list.”
WTF DO I CARE!!! I quickly react; they did accept me after all. But obviously, by virtue of this posting, I do care, and I am shocked by how quickly my anxiety, insecurity and competitiveness can metabolize their way back into my thinking. The, what I like to call, “psychotrauma” that I experienced in the unnecessarily competitive atmosphere of my undergrad physics program, I am now, through my association with school, inflicting back upon myself whether my situation warrants such a response or not. Make no mistake, my reaction to this miniscule event signifies a substantial defeat in my efforts to rid myself of these thoughts and behaviors. My conscious decision to remove myself from studentdom over the past three years was largely motivated to that end. All I can say to myself is: “Welcome back to school!”
3 replies on “That Familiar Feeling…”
Yes higher education is a bitch. In law school everything I do is compared to the performance of others, exams are graded on a curve, and yet there is a hush-hush factor. I don’t tell anyone my grades, or how well I have done, because one slip from an inconsiderate other can totally destroy me.
One fella, after the MPRE (ethics portion of the bar), was discussing with me about how he had answered a question. I realizing as he was talking that I had missed a vital point and got the question wrong. Devastated and very scared. Results came back, and he had to tell me his score. Well, I dusted him, by a shitload.
See? even when one doesn’t want to care, one has to care, we judge ourselves relative to others. The only thing you can do is try and minimize it. And try to compare yourself to anonymous internet numbers, rather than real people. I think that is the key to being less bitter (though I don’t sound it).
one girl here even posts all her grades on her blog. What a nincompoop
I wish you luck, and likely, they randomly generated that list. It’s the PC thing to do these days.
The original rank of who they chose doesn’t usually matter in the end. It’s what you do with your time there that does. And there are so many things that the admissions process misses in how great you are that make you a great person and student! :o) C
P.S. Found you!
Thank you jkf and agengragal for your support and insights.
JKF::: I roomed with 3 law students during my last year of college. They truly seemed to be a unique breed in the amount of literature they were forced to digest and be able to regurgitate at a moments notice. SUX that law programs are inherintly competitive. They are that way for good reason I suppose… doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck for you guys.
agengragal::: Very good point you made… it’s actually making it all the way through to the ‘end’ that concerns me the most.