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Good Old Days

Never thought I’d say it, but I miss the whole real estate mortgage bubble. Not out of greed or dreams of owning a home or any of that shit. It’s because these days there’s no escaping penile enhancement ads. They plague the internet like anthrax. “Hundreds of thousands of men have tried Vimax pills”; complexes induced in all. It used to be when I logged into myspace or gmail I’d see dancing aliens surrounding a variable low-rate mortgage offer. They too annoyed me, but I didn’t realize that they outbid penis enlargement slime. If I wanted to spend my time in such an atmosphere, I’d go here

It’s the nicest storefront along Lake City Way for a half mile in either direction. Notice the litter-free parking lot, manicured shrubbery, expensive signage, ashtray and video camera. The employees there probably get health benefits and shit.

Now this gem is in sharp contrast to the used-car-surrounded smut-huts on Portland’s 82nd Ave. The raunchiest of which sat across the street from my favorite Chinese restaurant–the subject of my first ever blog posting: Sauteed Green Beans.

Oh the progress I have made…

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Timely Warning Notifications of Criminal Incidents for UW Seattle

On November 21st, 2008 at approximately 3:58 p.m., Seattle Police Department officers responded to the report of a strong arm robbery that occurred in the 1400 block of N.E. 50th Street in the alley east of University Way. The victim (a female) was walking eastbound on the north sidewalk of N.E. 50th Street when two males and one female emerged form the alley. One of the males wrapped his arm around the victim’s throat and held her while the other male went through the pockets of her jeans. The female suspect stood there and watched. A pre-paid cell phone and $500.00 in cash was taken from the pockets of the victim.

On Thursday, November 20, 2008, at approximately 2:40 p.m., a UW female student was the victim of a robbery at the bus stop in the 4600 block of 25th Avenue N.E. Four suspects were involved in this incident, two males and two females. One suspect, a female wearing a black puffy jacket, blue jeans, and red shoes, took the victim’s cell phone. After taking the cell phone, the female suspects left on foot, and the two male accomplices boarded a bus. The male suspects were later located on the bus and arrested by Seattle Police. The female suspects are both still at large. The victim was not injured.

On Friday, November 14, 2008, at approximately 10:45 p.m., a UW student was the victim of an attempted robbery at the corner of N.E. 45th St. and 16th Ave N.E.. The suspect, a female with long straight blonde hair, approached the victim and attempted to steal her purse. The victim wrestled with the suspect, they separated, and the victim ran into a nearby house for safety. The suspect then took off running in a northbound direction. The suspect was wearing a black puffy jacket with fur around the hood. The victim was not injured.

On Thursday November 13, 2008 at 3:20 pm, a male UW student was walking eastbound on the Burke Gilman Trail under the 45th Street viaduct. According to the victim, the suspect who was described as a 6′, 250 lb male jumped out of the bushes, grabbed his wallet out of his hand and assaulted him with a stick. The suspect took the victim’s cash out of his wallet and threw the wallet on the ground. The suspect departed in an unknown direction. The victim sustained a bump on his head and was released by the Fire Department at the scene.

On Monday, October 20, 2008, at 10:23 p.m., a 19 year old male student was robbed by two men while walking southbound on Brooklyn Ave. N.E. where it intersects the Burke-Gilman trail. The suspects approached the victim from behind and implied they had a gun, but none was seen. The victim was not injured. The suspects fled the area after taking personal belongings from the victim; some of the victim’s property was located a short distance away. The victim did the right thing by not struggling with the suspects; no amount of property is worth risking your personal safety.

On Sunday, October 19, 2008, at approximately 1:30 a.m., a 24 year old male student was assaulted by an individual with a folding knife near the intersection of NE 50th and 17th Ave. NE, Seattle. Just prior to the assault the victim and the suspect, who was unknown to the victim, had been arguing. The victim sustained a stab wound to his leg and was treated at UW Medical Center. The suspect fled the area prior to the arrival of police.

The UW Police Department has received confirmation of an incident that occurred on September 20, 2008, on an outdoor stairway that connects 21st Avenue Northeast to 22nd Avenue Northeast near Northeast 52nd Street. Sometime after midnight a man assaulted a 21 year old female student by punching her, jumping on top of her and groping her. The suspect is described as a Caucasian male, wearing a black hoodie style top and blue jeans. The student was able to push her attacker away and run to safety.

*********************

In order to decrease the chances of becoming a victim of crime, you should:

* Walk with friends, especially late at night or early morning hours.
* Use the Husky Nightwalk services by calling 685-WALK(9255)
* Be aware of your environment and alert for possible danger.
* Remove yourself from potentially dangerous situations as soon as possible.
* Call 911 to report suspicious activity or persons to the police.

In order to decrease the chances of becoming a victim of crime you should…

…tell the UW Police Department to do its fuckin’ job!!!

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Hydrocarbon Girl

In a bar called Madam’s Organ, in the neighborhood of Adams Morgan, we got smashed proper. We consumed huge-ass fried chicken dinners with fried okra and candied yams. I had four scotch-and-sodases, two touchdowns (that I called field goals), a couple of froofy-assed “tic-tacs” that came recommended by the hot waitress that my friend fell in love with cuz she had the molecular structure of dopamine tattooed on her hip. She said I was old because I drank scotch. I called her “Hydrocarbon Girl” and she didn’t like it. We spent a lot of money…a lot of money. We had exotic women from eastern Europe sit with us but not for very long cuz we were getting more obnoxiouser by the second. I bet the cab fare that Steely Dan did not sing Black Water and was amazed to learn that the Doobie Brothers did. Michael McDonald was in both bands so nobody won the bet although technically I did. We ended up walking home (by home I mean hotel) and my friend had to pee on a dumpster. Oh yeah, my poster went well…I guess.

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Misc. Debris

Old Skool Neuroscience


Because my lab has got more personnel than equipment, I had to go all “Hodgkin & Huxley” and shit and build this analog device from scratch. It rectifies then integrates multi-unit muscle potentials. Had I the necessary data-acquisition card and LabVIEW software, could I have programmed an equivalent device in an hour flat? Shit yes! Alas, such resources are not made available to me, Mr. Low-Man-on-the-Totem-Pole, in my lab (see: reinventing the wheel). I’m glad the mind-numbing ‘tronix class I took 8 years ago finally paid off.

Articulated Bus Scare

Nearly every morning, the bus I take makes the above-depicted maneuver to keep its ass-end out of Lake City traffic while passengers board. And nearly every morning I flip during the 10 feet or so it has me in its sights.

Bad Vibe Transmission (or Just Desserts)

A couple nights ago at the club, not one, but two dudes hit on me. I wasn’t exactly flattered. One of whom I shoved proper the fourth time he got too close for comfort. Lucky for me no bouncer was watching, otherwise I would have found myself shoved right out of the club. Later, I apologized to the guy…then he asked me to dance. That prompted my escape. Walking to my car I slipped on a metal grating and now suffer a massive waffle bruise on my thigh.

In-between Pants
Next week I’m going to present this…


at the Society for Neuroscience annual meeting in Washington DC. I’ve got two suits: one has pants that fit my circa 2002 28″ waist, the pants of the other are 36″ around. At the moment my waist circumference is 32″. I could risk pinching off my digestive tract for a day or pack plenty of safety pins.

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Somebody had a bad case of the Mondays…

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Twisted

Only in dreams could I find myself at a tree-top luau, enjoying a candlelit dinner with Erik Estrada, that ended with me recording his baby’s brain activity.

Let’s not attempt to unravel the symbolism there. If such is typical of my dreams, I’m glad I don’t remember them that often.

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Sanctioned Guy’s Night Out

“Is there any European country that doesn’t pride itself on its alcohol consumption?”
“You guys are a little early for trick-or-treat aren’t you?”
“I think this piano’s got a little bit of neutron star in it…damn.”
“I hope nobody called her house purple–it’s Eggplant.”  “I called it black.”
“Would you like us to put you on the waiting list for the bar?” “Only if we can drink while we wait.”
“30 million! That’d buy you plenty of muscle relaxant.”
“If she weren’t clinically depressed I’d say she’s insane.”
“Bulgarian women: all they need is a little eyebrow pluckin’ and bam…they’re supermodels. Bulgarian men: well, they look like Yeltsin.”
“Sleep rocks!”
“Don’t mind us, we’re only trying to kill you with this cueball.”
“All I learned during my rotation in the primate center is that it takes a really long time to teach a monkey to do anything.”
“We’ve got enough money left over to split one-quarter of a lapdance among the six of us.”
“Fuck Billy Ocean…I’d go to Emerald Queen to see Keith Sweat.”
“Yeah, I think Toby Keith serenades cage fights at the Tacoma dome.”
“13 Coins…it’s the perfect place to take your mistress.”
“Uh… I think I got Daewoo on my hands.”
“Set phasers on stun.”
“Nothing goes with eggs like scotch!”
“Can I get you gentlemen anything else…bibs perhaps?”
“Yeah, and being a regular at 13 Coins is really something to brag about.”
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Yeah, that’s my lab!

My labmate has certainly made a name for himself.  Only the best and brightest make Perez Hilton’s Headline of the Weak.
http://perezhilton.com/category/headline-of-the-week/
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Attempt at ’The Talk’ with my dad

Last week I received the mass email below from the Barack Obama campaign. Looking at the email a second time, I guess I didn’t follow directions all that well.

This past weekend I went to visit my parents seeking impartial advice regarding my career plans. En route to breakfast in my dad’s Chevy Tahoe we stopped to get gas. Frowning because he was about to drop $80, my dad moored us beside a fuel pump. The moment made me recall the above email–I burst out:
“Oh yeah, Barack Obama wants me to convince you to vote for him; so will you?”

“Oh really…that’s hilarious.” [translation from polite Lutheran Elder]: “You gotta be shittin’ me.”

“Yeah. He’s much better in tune with the problems and injustices of our health care system than tax-credit McCain.”

“I doubt it. Obama’s alright though. Biden is a real piece of work.”

“What!?! How so?”

“[He] Does nothing but toe the party line. Anyway, if they’re elected, all their grand plans will be blocked by Republicans. You’ll see. Partisan politics doesn’t work and hasn’t worked for a long time.”

This populist outlook I never expected from my dad who, just two years ago, imbibed Fox News on a daily basis.

“Oh. I actually agree with that.”

“I used to be passionate about politics. Then I realized life’s too short to spend on things you have no control over.”

“Apathy does no good either.”

“So true.”

In this theme, in case you haven’t seen this yet…

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…and the ** REWARD ** goes to…

…our failing economy/high gas prices!!!

Months ago I posted a notice that I would reward any individual/entity a sum of $100.00+ (US) who removed this eyesore from plain view of my apartment:

Irregardless of the many weekends their lot lay filled with gaudy flare, no number of “sales events” could rescue Bill Pierre Dodge from its inevitable demise. Gas is now a luxury commodity that people can no longer afford to waste on shitty inefficient vehicles. As of Saturday, the lot will now be used to service Dodge vehicles (and no doubt the place will be busy once again). Unless they actually want to draw attention to their service branch, I doubt I will be seeing that fuckin’ Ram’s head balloon any time soon.

I guess now I have to figure out how to pay out the reward. Logic demands I put it towards further worsening the economy and increasing gas prices. Any ideas?